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All too unwell
Nov. 14th, 2021 09:49 pmI love that we got so many Vault tracks on Red (Taylor's Version)! I am mostly listening to them, actually - I feel like her vocal control and maturity shows a little too much in the re-recorded tracks? This album is all about the headrush, spinning-out feeling of falling wildly in love and then getting your heart absolutely crushed. The desperate edges in her younger self singing these feel more authentic to me still, but maybe it's just because I'm so used to hearing them? So my fave tracks to play on repeat right now are New to Me ones: The Moment I Knew, Come Back...Be Here, Nothing New, Better Man, Message in a Bottle and All Too Well (10 minute version).
Actually the last track (and the accompanying short film) is mostly what I want to talk about, because it's brought up a lot of talk about age gaps in relationships in a couple of different places for me, and I had some very different conversations about what the film depicted:
Taylor cast these two very deliberately - the ten year age gap is the same as the one between her and Jake Gyllenhaal, and this song is famously autobiographical about their relationship when she was 20. Back when ATW was the 5 minute version, it seemed like a song about great love found and lost, but it's morphed into something a lot darker and expository in its new iteration. So he's been trending on Twitter since the album dropped.
"I'll get older but your lovers stay my age." OUCH. Taylor dragging him full out, spelling out a few more memorable incidents (like him standing her up on her 21st birthday), this noticeable relationship pattern of his and his emotional withholding power games.
In fact, the film's main point is the starkly unbalanced power dynamic in the relationship. Older Guy (Dylan O'Brien dressed and styled like 2011 Jake G) is always the one in the driver's seat, not including or acknowledging his much younger girlfriend (Sadie Sink) when with his friends, and then gaslighting her when she explains how horrible that made her feel before finally being the one to break things off. And the thing TS seems to be pointing out is: this kind of power imbalance isn't actually a rare occurrence with age gap relationships, and it's one some men seek out deliberately.
I think age gaps aren't necessarily problematic; it's the power/experience/financial gap that is. I think this post sums it up pretty well:
On a personal note, my mother was in Uni when she met my (24 years senior) father, who had gone back to Hong Kong after his divorce expressly for the purpose of finding himself a young, new wife. She never finished her degree: he took her back to Canada, where he isolated and abused her (and us kids) for almost 15 years. And my SIL is mid-divorce right now from her 10 years older husband, who she met while he was coaching her club at Uni. You know the thing I remember most about her talking about him? "Kenka shinai," she said, absolutely beaming. (We) don't fight. It took her literally years to realize it was because she was just doing everything he told her to. And yes, he followed the pattern too: they're getting divorced because he was cheating on her with his new girlfriend, a university student.
I'm glad Taylor is speaking up about this? Like it's a dynamic that our culture and media reinforces as Absolutely Fine and even Ideal - see how hard it is for a 40-something year old actress to be cast as a love interest for a 50 year old actor. ๐ And I am absolutely not saying all men are serial predators, or that all age gap relationships with this specific age gap are doomed. But I'm glad she's putting the full truth out there now that she can look back at the relationship from a distance and go, "yeah, that was fucked up." Just look at her new album cover. It's her in the driver's seat now.
Actually the last track (and the accompanying short film) is mostly what I want to talk about, because it's brought up a lot of talk about age gaps in relationships in a couple of different places for me, and I had some very different conversations about what the film depicted:
Taylor cast these two very deliberately - the ten year age gap is the same as the one between her and Jake Gyllenhaal, and this song is famously autobiographical about their relationship when she was 20. Back when ATW was the 5 minute version, it seemed like a song about great love found and lost, but it's morphed into something a lot darker and expository in its new iteration. So he's been trending on Twitter since the album dropped.
Jake Gyllenhaal calling Tom Holland ‘kid’ for the entirely of the far from home press tour
— jess (@ripcowstoenails) November 13, 2021
Tom Holland being the same age as Jake’s girlfriend… pic.twitter.com/SCvaihqKcF
Sorry for this one #RedTaylorsVersion pic.twitter.com/hLJpFD5T4S
— Meredith Cash (@mercash22) November 13, 2021
"I'll get older but your lovers stay my age." OUCH. Taylor dragging him full out, spelling out a few more memorable incidents (like him standing her up on her 21st birthday), this noticeable relationship pattern of his and his emotional withholding power games.
In fact, the film's main point is the starkly unbalanced power dynamic in the relationship. Older Guy (Dylan O'Brien dressed and styled like 2011 Jake G) is always the one in the driver's seat, not including or acknowledging his much younger girlfriend (Sadie Sink) when with his friends, and then gaslighting her when she explains how horrible that made her feel before finally being the one to break things off. And the thing TS seems to be pointing out is: this kind of power imbalance isn't actually a rare occurrence with age gap relationships, and it's one some men seek out deliberately.
I think age gaps aren't necessarily problematic; it's the power/experience/financial gap that is. I think this post sums it up pretty well:
The thing about All Too Well is not the age-gap itself, but the age gap at that particular stage in life. Because a 10 year age gap between a 20 year old and a 30 year old is not the same way as a 10 year age gap but between, say, a 30 year old and a 40 year old. With 30-40, we’re talking about two people who can consider themselves in similar stages of life, they are both full adults. But someone who is just turning 20 and someone who just turned 30 are two people who are in completely different stages of life.
When you’re 20, you’re just entering that awkward phase between being a late teen and a young adult, and trying to figure out how the fuck adulting works. When you’re 30 (I imagine, since I’m not 30 yet), you’ve already more or less have the hang of it. You can’t expect a 20 year old to experience life the same way as a 30 year old, no more than you could expect it the other way around. Expectations are different, needs are different, thought process is different, literally everything. I’m sure there must be some couples that make it work, and good for them! But they’re exceptions, not the rule. In most cases, the relationship is clearly too unbalanced to be called healthy.
I'm glad Taylor is speaking up about this? Like it's a dynamic that our culture and media reinforces as Absolutely Fine and even Ideal - see how hard it is for a 40-something year old actress to be cast as a love interest for a 50 year old actor. ๐ And I am absolutely not saying all men are serial predators, or that all age gap relationships with this specific age gap are doomed. But I'm glad she's putting the full truth out there now that she can look back at the relationship from a distance and go, "yeah, that was fucked up." Just look at her new album cover. It's her in the driver's seat now.
