Characters: Cloud, Aerith, Tifa, Sephiroth
Word count: 500
Summary: Why fanfic can sometimes be so bad that it's good. Warning: Scathing sarcasm under the cut
Now, I am not a perfect speller. It’s my trusty Microsoft Word that catches all the times I forget that “i” before “e” rule- or when I mistakenly spell words like “jeopardy” like “jealous” instead of “leopard.” Just wait for that squiggly red line, and you’ll know that you made some stupid mistake. But Word can fix it for you, because it’s smart. It knows how to spell. Right- click, and you will gain a whole plethora of correctly spelled versions of what you are attempting to type. Sometimes you don’t even have to- it will change that word for you automatically. Just try to type in “receive” with the “i” first. It won’t even let you. Don’t you just adore technology?
It can even tell you when your grammar sucks. Ah, behold the squiggly green line! Why bother trying to remember what your teachers taught you when your word processor can practically do it for you? It’s just so easy not to mangle my mother tongue. It’ll even tell you how to punctuate. Brilliant.
But there are some limitations to a writer’s best friend. And one of these is that it doesn’t really get the contents of your epic resurrection story. I’m not just talking about crappy cliché story ideas. (Don’t we ALL wish that Word could give you a right-click for those?) I’m talking about pure, nitpicking mistakes that slip through the cracks of Word’s spelling software.
So I’ve decided to paraphrase a few of the howlers that I’ve come across in this fandom. (Ooh, squiggly red line there!) Sorry if they are eerily familiar- feel free to flame if you really need to tell me what a b--h I am for pointing them out. But at least now you know why I didn’t review- I was laughing too hard to sit at the keyboard anymore.
“Cloud put his hand around Tifa’s waste.”
Gross! Doesn’t he look at what he’s touching? I know he wears gloves all the time, but still…
“Cloud and Tifa are the cutest paring in Gaia!”
Another disgusting image there- does anybody really want character shavings? Actually, with all the rabid fangirls out there…don’t answer that.
“Aerith was Cloud’s true love. His light, his flower girl, his angle.”
Taking that love 180-degree thing a bit too seriously. Cloud doesn’t need a big-ass sword to Cover her- he just needs a protractor!
“Tifa just couldn’t bare it anymore.”
Didn’t you know 7th Heaven was actually a strip club instead of a bar? Obviously the game designers gave her that rack for a reason. But she decided to retire, give some other video game vixens a chance at the pole.
And my all-time favorite:
“They all thought fondly of Aerith, their diseased friend.”
No, it wasn’t Sephiroth that killed her. It was her horrible affliction! Oh, the tragedy!
Feel free to flame- but do try to spell correctly if you do. No need to give me more ammunition for another chapter.