Elegant but choppy. In many places, it's not clear who's speaking. Is the "he" who says, "Oooh, a celebrity!" the same as the "he" who has a nice clipboard? We eventually learn what was in the letter that she hands to Raleigh but not what was in the package. It's not clear which character is "supposed to wear those" or what "those" are. I keep waiting for the reveal and it does not come.

Particularly interesting thing with the drift retention. I had expected they would be unable to do that without the equipment, but I guess they couldn't lose all three things in one story. It is probably a deviation from canon but it is well-implemented and serves a clear purpose.